The aim of my blog is to write out the lessons I learn into relatable nuggets of information for the internet that commuters, bloggers and closeted sufferers can immerse themselves into to help them be the people they know they are; I aim to help all I can, and hope my experiences shed light on other people’s situations, even if it’s just for a brief minute on the way to work, or half an hour on a Tuesday night.
I want us all to work together to give ourselves a better chance; a better mentality and a happier life. One without paranoia pushing us down into pits as low as our self esteems; one where we can acknowledge that, you know what?, some people are just nice with no hidden motives. Some people are nice because they know you deserve it, and other people are just pricks not worth a single thread of thought.
If our minds are like the afterlife in Disney’s Hercules, I want us all to be able to imagine our thoughts as tiny strings swirling around an eternal pot, waiting for us to cut out and dissolve.
And I know that whether 1 person, or 100 people read this blog, it’s helping someone. Helping to let someone know they’re not alone and there’s someone out there – simply a stranger – who believes in them and wants to help get them through a dark time.
But today, I am weak. In fact, I’ve been weak all week. I am tired, I am angry and I am petrified. I’m seeing red about 60% of the time and my thoughts are a little concerning. There’s been a helluva lot of swearing, tears and near-emergencies involving my phone and the surface of work’s carpark. I’ve lacked motivation and at times lost the ability to remember who I am.
It doesn’t feel right today to sit here and regurgitate the words spoken to me in a session of therapy, rewrite worksheets and make it all sound like a happy, easy little game to play tricks on your mind to stop your moods dropping and Anxiety kicking in.
Because I don’t want anyone believing I’ve got my shit together. Because who takes advice off a girl on the internet who thinks it’s as easy as writing a ‘what if’ list, or simply ‘loosening life rules’? That’s not the sort of relatable person you’re looking for, because that isn’t relatable.
You see posts on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all the time with some numbnut saying ‘Wake up and choose to be happy today’. Piss right off you naive little nerd. If it was as simple as choosing our moods, the world wouldn’t but full of hate and upset and commotion.
What I’m saying is, it’s not as simple as anyone makes out. It’s tough, and it’s a long process lemme tell you.
And there’s going to be relapses and irrational thoughts and a lot of confusion. And beating yourself up about it is only going to make you feel worse.
Today I am not thinking rationally with my mental pen and pad scrawling down the advantages of changes, analysing my surroundings and thinking ‘what if it’s all okay’. And I don’t want you to think I am.
Nobody does that everyday, nobody gets up and prepares themselves perfectly each day to have the best day. Most of us stay in bed dreading the idea of getting out, only to 5 minutes later let the guilt overtake as we rush around pouring out porridge whilst simultaneously brushing our teeth and popping on our shoes.
I want you to know that I’m not a therapist. I don’t have any qualifications, just life experience. I don’t want anyone to sit and read my blog thinking that I’ve kicked all bad feelings to the curb and rid myself of life’s demons. I’m writing out my life in a way which can help others; I’m still having struggles and hard times and that’s okay.
I enjoy helping other people and I enjoy writing. I’ve combined the two to try and make a difference. But sometimes motivation is not a word in our vocabulary, and that’s okay. And sometimes thinking harmful thoughts towards yourself and others is inevitable, and that’s okay too (bearing in mind, nobody is dead at the end of the day…) and being weak is part of being strong; identifying when you’re weak can only help to make you stronger – to remind you have far you’ve come, and how far you’re going to go.
The title of this post is a simple semi-colon. And if you’re not familiar with the Semi-colon project, I’ll explain:
The semi-colon project is a worldwide (probably better known on the depths of Tumblr as opposed to the open shiny internet space) project that raises awareness for mental health issues as a whole. One of the most common symptoms that unanimously is apparent throughout any mental struggle is the thoughts to harm yourself and others, or end your own life. The thoughts are scary, and it’s honestly a confusing time for anyone in that situation to think. It’s terrifying and ignites a curiosity that is far too dangerous to explore.
The semi-colon represents every single time you’ve chosen not to explore that curiosity, that fear, that tearful night in the dark, that numb feeling. It represents a story by an author, in which the story or sentence could have ended, but the author chose not to. The author is you, and the story is your life.
Every step you’re taking forward or backwards is another semi-colon. It’s not the end till it’s the end, and it’s your story. And as we’re all a sucker for a happy ending, I guess that’s just what we’ll have to write for ourselves.