This goes out to the ones who never stop trying.
Keep being the person who constantly tries, no matter how hopeless you feel. Fight for what you want or believe in, even when it no longer seems reachable.
Be the one who works to keep friendships afloat.
And continue to work hard in your careers, even when it feels like you’re not good enough. Get the job done, even if you’re tired or ill.
Push through the dark clouds and do not succumb to the anxiety or depression, low moods or anger. Keep trying. After every tumble or trip; after every bad mood or panic attack; after every failed attempt to make things better for yourselves, get back up. Fight those internal battles whilst maintaining your social, family and work responsibilities. Stay as strong as you always have been.
I am a tryer: A word vomitter who spends her time writing and ranting, apologising and explaining, creating spontaneous conversation or making meet up plans, just to try keep people happy and herself unforgotten. A 22 year old kid who is easily exhausted when around people for too long. A girl who has so many people around her, yet feels indescribably hated and lonely. A girl whose moods fluctuate so much from one minute to the next, it’s hard to see the point in not quitting.
And us tryers are going to meet quitters, who may not understand our methods: The ones who give it a go and decide they’ve done their bit; The ones who expect things to happen for them. They don’t go out of their way for people, and allow themselves to dive into their own thoughts and simply accept that this is life now. They listen to thoughts in their heads that tell them it’s not worth it. They don’t fight back and they don’t keep going. They decide to live the ‘what will be will be’ life without realising ‘what will be’ only happens if tryers keep trying. But you just keep trying and never quit.
I feel like I’ve only ever tried. I’m constantly told I try too hard with people and situations that are unfixable or undeserving.
More often than not, I make things worse through continuous attempts to make things better. But without trying I have a pang of guilt and shame that overtakes my mind at any point in time: I assume it’s me neglecting my friends, ignoring family and allowing myself to be swallowed by the world. I assume it’s my fault I’m back at square one.
But eventually, you realise you’re doing just fine; that some things aren’t your fault. Sometimes it’s other people and other situations that are to blame when your attempts don’t work out how you’d hoped.
I spend a lot of my time upset about cancelled plans, being ignored, feeling unsociable, never feeling good enough. All whilst struggling with my own internal battles that I have to fight alone.
My anxiety pushes me forward whilst also pushing me back. I’m terrified of losing my friends, scared to fail at work, petrified of living, yet feel worse everytime things don’t work out.
But even then, I won’t stop trying. I’ll continue with my apologies, explanations and my spontaneous conversation with those I care about. I will always put people first and try to help. I will always fight to have a stable mood and focus on not thinking as deeply.
Because after all is done, and I’m upset about missing people or losing battles, I’ll know I’ve done everything I can to make things right. And sometimes it’s just not my fault.