I don’t have it. I’ve never had it. Do I want it? Absolutely.
Bralette – Depop (Missguided)
Jeans – Primark
Blazer – H&M
I’m a lanky legged, disproportionate 22 year old with the face of a junior; of course I want it.
If there’s even a slight chill in the air, my skin and face are purple and pink so I spend most of my time walking around looking like I’m stuck in a life-long blizzard. ‘You’re looking flustered’ is genuinely a compliment I get on my way to work daily.
What I lack in the makeup department or perfect complexion, I make up for in depth – which isn’t exactly on the list of face-value attractive qualities.
Don’t get me wrong, I bloody love a good deep conversation: Message me your problems late at night and I’m all yours – Let’s drunkenly talk about all our memories and worries and secrets. But in the morning, can I just be attractive?
Attractive without the ‘I totally thought you were a weirdo, but nah you’re actually okay’ bit at the end, that is.
It seems like a silly request, and almost definitely the wrong time in my life to suddenly worry about the fact that I’ve always been the ‘Can you help me get with your friend?’ kinda gal. But as I’ve already mentioned, this quarter life crisis of mine has been no easy ride; we’ve crisis’d about everything.
It’s not a case of suddenly wanting to be a slut and spending my evenings getting free drinks and someone’s digits
though free drinks are always welcome – I’m already taken, and I’m more than likely going to be offended by your motives anyway.
But I do want The Appeal. Sex appeal. Or maybe it’s something else – I just want to find about a way to make myself feel more attractive.
I want to feel confident; confident enough to wear items that are a little risqué but all the rage. I want to feel good about myself, my appearance and feel even just the slightest bit attractive. I don’t want to seem like the cutesy one that never really grew up, or the weird friend at the party that nobody really knows, or wants to talk to.
Perhaps I’m being a bit shallow, but maybe that’s what I need to be at the moment; more of a plate perspective rather than my typical mixing bowl style.
Until I can happily sit in public without my anxiety raging whenever someone looks at me or whispers to their friend and laughs, I shall live a life of self-deprecating frustration. I feel more like a bag of mishapes from the Cadbury’s factory that just happens to look partially human, rather than an actual person in her early 20s who’s got her style and shit together.
Only recently I was sat in the station after work when my mind of insecure voices went into overdrive. I’d walked pretty quickly, so I’d taken my coat off, sat down and cracked on with my crosswords. After a few sniggers from some college students, I began thinking and panicking. At the time, it’s hard to assume that people are laughing at anything but me.
Well you’re doing crosswords, which is pretty nerdy. Guess you’ll never live down your teacher’s pet reputation. Not to mention your arms are out in all their glory – white and pastey with goosebumps even in the summer. Maybe you smell, you probably smell. 22 and you can’t even keep your hygiene levels up. They’re probably looking at those horrible hands. Or that Rudolph nose. Maybe it’s because you genuinely look like a paranoid, overgrown child.
Ya see? Crisis.
I then realised there was a girl sat just a few seats away from me dressed as some sort of anime princess cat…which was probably a little more humourous than my work attire. My black dress and smart coat probably wasn’t the source of such hilarity. But by then the damage was done: I’d already overthought the situation to a point of no return.
I’m the hunchback of the 21st century. My hair is frizzy and always falls in the wrong place. My chin has squiggles on and it’s stupid. In fact my whole face is pretty manly. Let’s not even get into my tights that bunch up at the ankle making me look like an old woman. Now everyone is looking at me. Everyone. I’m giving off too much of a weirdo vibe. This is why I can’t make friends.
See? Plenty of depth and destruction, not much confidence, even less appeal. I assure you: the doe-eyed, blushing, red faced look is not something that’s easy to pull off.
The things that seem to make girls have sex appeal include three things I have never mastered: Make up, heels and confidence. (And also fringes that appear to be protected from all weather conditions by an extremely strong force field.) And it would also be pretty nice to be able to wear your scruffs and a messy bun and look like everyone in the instasphere rather than an extra from American Horror Story…Small goals.
Obviously, my biggest flaw in the battle towards The Appeal is my
youthful looks confidence. I know I have a massive confidence and insecurity issue, and I really want to change that. But I’m starting from the very bottom here; I’ve always totally hated my look or my ‘public aura’ (the vibe I give off to onlookers). And it gets worse with every stranger’s whisper, every stare and every time I’m left alone to think about it.
So I’m switching up my style.
Hand me the mesh body suit and a comb for my centre parting. I’d like to be Abi 2.0 and see what happens. Perhaps one day in my new wardrobe of embroideries and bodysuits, my ID won’t be double checked at every door and bar.
I’ve started my collection with a few items I’ve fallen in love with. None have broken the bank and I’m constantly scouting Depop for a few bargains.
I’ve always loved mesh but never seemed like my style or I’ve found it far too revealing. Now it’s all I want. I think it’s just an extremely attractive material to wear that gives off the impression that you’re confident and cool.
Sex appeal probably isn’t what we’re actually talking about here, because this attractiveness is mostly for me. But I do want to feel sexy. And I want to feel attractive and cool; confident enough to walk into a room and know I’m not just a laughing stock.
I want to feel ‘hawt’ and ‘sawcy’ – words I use instead of ‘sexy’ because that – along with a whole list of words I can’t physically speak – makes me wanna gip a little – but that’s a whole other uncool story for another time.
I’m a serious relationshipper, too, so this isn’t a case of being able to pull in a bar. I’m just saying, it would perhaps be nice to not feel like guys – and girls – are staring thinking ‘how did she get in?’, and perhaps I could make friends with them.
So I’m transforming my look. Goodbye to the cutesy, range of floral clothing I’ve been wearing since school, and hello to a more mature look. I can’t really change my face – which is probably the issue – but I can dress myself in a way that makes me feel confident, and consequently hawt.
Abi 2.0 is here and we’re taking tiny steps to make a cool, confident and independent 20 something. ✌🏻